In love with my best friend

Nina

Every day goes by my love for her keeps fading away or is it getting stronger? i really don't no anymore its complicated, am trying not to make that happen cuz for that she's gonna lose me for sure in both ways,and am not wiling to risk losing the love of my life which is my best friend.. although i could never with her, am i losing my mind? am i crazy deeply madly in love with her.. could i keep holding on to it and watch her loving and being with some one else as if nothing is wrong! I don't think i can take it anymore since i've had this feeling for her from the day i saw her five years ago and never had the courage to face it , when i couldn't stand it any more it as to late for me to talk but i took my chances and told her how i feel!! and it meant nothing to her ... nothing at all ..she rejected me to protect our friendship cause she believes that every relationship has an ending and she doesn't wanna risk losing me!!! should i keep waiting or should i just leave ? should i lose my best friend because of my selfish love or should i just go along and like nothing is wrong? lots of questions i ask my self but no answers i get..have i gone mad?i cant think clearly anymore.. am i in a coma or am i in a nightmare ? if it is i just wanna wake up .. should i wish i never new her or should i thank god for knowing her?... its funny that i've never written in my life but when it comes to this person its like am another human being not me .. i used to be the heartless heart breaker the player and i was always strong but near her am the weakest person on earth.. i keep asking my self why?why he?.. thats what i was afraid of to fall in love with the wrong person .. especially when u know this person so well she the kinda person who doesn't care about any ones feeling , a person who got hurt a lot in her life so she got no love left in her.. she got nothing to give! she might be hiding her self behind this shield fearing to get hurt again or is it because she doesn't wanna hurt me!? knowing she might lose me.. i don't even no anymore what is she thinking ? am i not her type? am i not the one?or is she falling in love with her partner?or she doesn't wanna risk hurting me? or because of curtain rules she has in her life she doesn't wanna break? its never being involve with a best friend and and never be friends with an ex ..i think am out of my mind i keep n writing with no use knowing i would never finish saying what i feel and whatt on my mind!god plz im begging you give me a hint,sign,anything or even a miracle, i don't believe this ? am i that desprit?am i that week?should i laugh or should i cry?am i pathetic in her eyes ?if she knew that am crasy about her will she give me sympathy?or wut? enough questions i need answers.. i feel lost in a big dark place where no one can get me out no creature can save me ..cant talk to any1 cant share what i feel .. cant get my advice because she was my advice she was the one always there for me getting me out of trouble making me strong .. she was the sister the brother the mother the father the best friend i never had!!shes all i see.. its like am obsessed with her or addicted to her or do i worship her? oh lord forgive me .. am i beginning to hallucinate ?? all i think of right now is seeing her smile .. i can make her happy i can be under her feet i can be her slave .. i can..i can i can .. but its not my call it not me to decide .. damn me damn my feelings .. if shes happy and fine that's all i care .. i cant think straight right now .. but maybe i should just keep it to my self and go on..

HOW I WISH T_T






Before I begin my story. I assure you it is 100% true. I write this story to share my experience in life and with love. I learned that if you do something behind your family’s back you just end up hurting yourself..

When we first met I was 15, he was 17. It all started online. I know you might be thinking...tragic love story...online?
I randomly started chatting with him because I was extremely bored and he himself was also very bored. For about a week we would chat for hours and hours. I found myself laughing in front of the computer screen at the stories he told me. The heart that seemed like it never lived seemed to suddenly start beating. I liked him. Living in a house with older brothers and sisters who were busy with their husbands, wives and jobs I always felt alone, like I wanted to talk to someone. My parents were constantly caught up in family feuds and I was always left behind. In my room, with nothing…my friends were around but I couldn’t tell them EVERYTHING, I mean I was new to the school and didn't instantly fit it. Anyways I talked to this guy for a week, one weekend I found myself busy and unable to come online. I missed him; I really wanted to talk to him. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I mean....I met him ONLINE...he might not even be a guy or he might be some random pervert who hits on girls. But I felt that he was something I always wanted. Weird? Yes…very.
After the weekend ended I went online and received many offline messages. He told me he wanted to talk to me, that he missed me and gave me his number. I gathered the courage to grab my phone and dial the numbers I saw in front of me. 
Hearing his voice, it was perfect, not too squeaky not to deep, it had a softness to it that felt like I was being hugged or sung to sleep. He was perfect.
We talked for hours and hours every single night. Laughing at every single story one another said. Things were going great. One day we met up. In the crowd of the people I saw, I don't know how but I spotted him instantly. He had a buff body, a beautiful face a perfect beard and bronze complexion. He. Was. Perfect.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. Someone so perfect. Online?
I mean that doesn’t really happen....
It was like I knew him for ever. We played in the snow like children and time flew by so quickly that I felt I stayed with him 10 minutes, not a whole day.
The following week I was to travel abroad for 4 days and I was so depressed at the whole idea. Of leaving him…I wanted more of him, he wanted more of me. But I had to go...
For 4 days I wasn’t able to have any contact with him what so ever and I missed him dearly. 
After what felt like the longest 4 days of my life I finally came back. From the airport I directly went to see him. Being in a family who strictly believed in love after marriage (arranged marriages) what I was doing was life threatening. But I still did, I would lie to my parents to see him, every morning in my spring holidays he would pick me up and we would go to the beach or the ice cream parlor or any place. Just as long as I was with him. At night he would stay on the phone with me until I fell asleep and he would also fall asleep on the sound of me breathing...on school nights when it got too late we would hang up a bit earlier but start texting for the next hour. When we had final exams he would stay on the phone with me hearing me study, flipping through pages, taking notes and talking to myself. It was love, I knew it, and he knew it. I felt that no couple on earth could be as perfect and as in love as we were. Things got very serious and we went to the hotel...once...twice...three times...the most beautiful hours of my life. Me and him. 
Until that one day..
That one day that ruined it all...
We hadn’t seen each other in weeks because of school and other issues that kept on coming up. 
He constantly texted, begging to see me, if only for 5 minutes. I was trying so hard to convince my parents to let me go out but they didn’t seem to want to cooperate with me on that day. Giving up, I collapsed onto my bed and fell asleep...
Oh how I regret that small nap I took...
I woke up remembering that my love was waiting for me to let him know if I could see him or not and I jumped out of bed looking everywhere for my phone. I couldn’t find it....
It was with them....They found it...they read everything....they knew everything.
My brothers came into my room and slammed the door behind them. Their eyes red and furious. They kept on asking me questions...who is he? When did you meet him? How far have you gone? But I didn’t want to say anything...I didn’t want them to hurt him...
They threatened to whip me if I didn’t speak up, but I didn’t care. I told them nothing.
One of my brothers left the room and went downstairs while the others continued interrogating me...
When he showed up he was holding a whip. A thin brown whip. 
He whipped me so much that I felt that the tears I was crying were tears of blood...but I didn’t speak up...I told them...Nothing.
My mother came into the room begging my brother to stop. Thankfully...he did...
Seeing that there was no point in asking me questions they left my room and locked it from the outside with a key.
I couldn’t believe what happened...My head kept on spinning...I was crying tears that burnt my skin...I felt my heart aching. But no regret... no...
Not for a single moment did I ever regret loving him.
I just regretted that I wasn't more careful

The whole household seemed shocked...shocked that their little girl could do something like that...my mother couldn’t believe anything.
She kept on telling me. How could you? Betray your own family? We trusted you...
How could I? Why did I?
Because I loved him... He made me happy ... he was mine ... he was my perfect prince...
I was not allowed to leave my room fore my own safety. Though angry at me, mother knew if my brothers saw me they would whip me to death. Staying away...in my room was the better option... My brothers told my mother that I was to stay at home. If I was to go anywhere it would be school, and school only, until it was time for me to get married to some random guy they would set me up with. I was living like a prisoner in my own house.
I didn’t care what they wanted to do to me or what other intentions they had... I wanted to see him...I had to see him 
I needed him... so badly....

For about a week I stayed in my room
Crying myself to sleep every night I felt like I was going crazy. I was smelling him ...seeing him ...hearing his voice...
I refused to eat anything and all I did was either scream or cry...
My brothers got annoyed at my screaming and threatened to whip me more if they heard another sound from my room.
Until one day I jut couldn’t
I count take it anymore
I put on a hoodie; baggy pants, snuck out from my window and ran away.
It was 5AM and I had no were to go...I didn’t want to call him because I knew if my brothers were going to look for me they’d first check if I went to him
I found a random bench and just sat there...extremely frightened at every stranger that passed by...I was 16 ... but I felt like I was 4 again...trembling like a child who had just lost her mother…
I had no money...no water. I was dying for a droplet of anything...looking on the ground for any change...I found nothing.
Then my monthly visitor came...I was bleeding... I needed to wash up I needed to change. I was in pain. I felt disgusting and I knew I couldn’t call anyone.
With my own two legs I went back to the prison I was in.

I slowly crept back into my room, trying not to attract any attention and making no noise. As I turned around to close my window…I saw him…In the black land cruiser…He was there… Oh how I wanted to jump back out and run into his arms. Just as I opened the window again to step back out he signalled to me to stay and blew me a kiss and quickly drove of. Why? Why did her go…No…come back…My tears were streaming down my face as I saw his car drive off. But I don’t blame him…my brother had just left the house and would have noticed him.
For the rest of the day I stayed in my room, crumbled under my blanket...crying... I was holding a watch he had given me ... feeling the leather... smelling it... it smelt like him...Aaaahh I was going crazy. When night came... my brother came into the room...he told me I was to go to school the next day and promised to rearrange my face if I did anything sneaky after or before school.

I was so excited...and I couldn’t care less about my brothers threats I could call him from the school phone! I could hear that voice that I missed so much...

And so I did...The minute he said hello...my eyes filled with tears...my heart sunk...We couldn’t talk much but he just wanted to make sure I was okay and promised to drop something off at school before the end of the day. Before my last class the school admin gave me bag...he had dropped it off just like he promised…He gave me a phone...

I kept it hidden in my bra at home and at night I talked to him...told him how much I missed him. He told me that he was going crazy...my phone was switched off and he was worried that maybe I got mad at him…but he knew that wasn’t me…I wouldn’t just disappear…I couldn’t…
Things were getting better...so much better...Being locked up in a room with nothing but him was more then enough.
To my luck my brothers and my parents had to go to France because my uncle was very sick. My room was unlocked but they got a housemaid to watch every move I made and make sure I don’t go anywhere...gosh...she must of been played alot..She was like a hawk...
But I wanted to go out
I wanted to see him
I missed him so much. Hearing his voice wasn’t enough.
One night he called me at like 10 and told me to look out the window. There he was. But not in his car. At my door!!
Yes. I snuck him into my room and for 3 beautiful nights... he stayed with me...Every kiss was like my last...I knew we couldn’t be together...something just kept on annoyingly reminding me...
The third and last night was the very last time I ever saw him...
My family came back with news that I didn’t want to hear...
We were going to move...not to another neighborhood. Not to another city....to another CONTINENT...across the world...we were going to move forever.
I was to be married to my brother’s friend when I graduated from high school. And that wasn’t a choice...or an offer...that was an order...I cried for days...weeks...months...
I called him...I told him what happened... he couldn’t believe me...he blew up...and he did something I never expected him to do...he called my brother...
He told them, he loved me, he wanted me , he couldn’t live without me and that he would do anything to have me
He wanted marriage.
He wanted to live and die by my side
Strangely my brother didn’t shout, didn’t swear
He told him he was ready to compromise

His way....

He beat him but, so badly that he was taken to the emergency room in the hospital...
His brother called, told me to back off. That I’d hurt him enough
That because of me he didn’t sleep nights...he wasn’t eating properly and he wasn’t bonding or seeing any of his friends or family members...and now he was on his death bed…

About a month later we traveled
Here I am... at the end of the world...missing him...
Wishing to be able to hear his voice…to see his perfect smile…feel his perfect body..but I don’t want him to get hurt anymore...
And I must not forget..
I am a bride to be….

behind the darkness ????

my love story ends with nothing

i met edward via txt. at first txt txt lang then one time we decided to meet personally. so we met .. after naming magkita nafeel ko na i have my feelings with him. He feels the same way too.. so edward and i became lovers. Ofcorz at first sobrang mahal na mahal namin ang isa’t isa tumagal yun ng 1year sa 1year na yun andun ung away factor .. there’s a time pa nga na naghiwalay kami pero d naman nagtagal yun .. until one time he find a job.. first okey naman sakin .. then dumating yung point na he doesn’t have time for me.. I feel he’s taking me for granted.. I remember every day off nya always nya akong inaaya lumabas.. But dumadating yung araw na super tagal na nya akong tinitiis . and sobrang nasasaktan na ako sa ngyayari.. one time i texted him using my friend cell phone .. sabi ko ” hi , how are you ? ” ofcorz sagot nya ” cnu ka ? ” sumagot ako ulet sabi ko ” i have my friend na nagtxt sau then na isave nya so yun .. ” then i asked him do you have a girl friend ? then he replied ” wala ,, i’m still searching for the right one ” …….. after i read his replied my tears fell down .. i don’t know what should i feel .. galit ba o lungkot .. so i decided to break up with him kahit alam ko na sobrang mahal na mahal ko pa sya .. 1year later nag ka txt kami again the feelings of mine for him is still there. So he asked me if my bf naku i said wala .. Then sabi nya i still love you po,Sorry sa nagawa ko, i realized na mali yung ginawa ko sayo, every now and then ikaw pa din yung laman ng puso ko at nagiisang babae na minahal ko ng totoo .. can you give me another chance ? i promise hindi na kita sasaktan again .. so ako naniwala naman xempre pumayag ako .. mahal ko pa sya eh . at start masaya ako with him .. i can feel na he’s really changed a lot .. even he has a work hndi nya nakakalimutan na kumontak sakin .. then one time super busy na tlaga sya umabot yun ng buwan .. prang bumalik lang yung dating  sya .. I have this friend na pag my problema ako he’s always there beside me , listening 2 me and comforting me. So as time goes by lalo akong napalapit sa kanya ,, i have this strange feeling na ayokong maramdaman kasi mali , but like what other says hindi mo mapipigilan ang pagtibok ng puso mo para sa isang tao .. then booommmm .. wla na so naging kami nitong guy while kami nung my real boy friend .. 1month na kami nitong guy nang …. my boy friend finds out about me and my friend .. nagulat ako ng tinext niya ako ang sabi .. ” what the hell .. why nagawa mo sakin toh ? Wala kang kwentang gf.. Konting lambing lang sayo ng lalaki kayo na,hindi ka nakontento sakin,Pinagmukha mo akong tanga .. hayz ganun lang pala ako sa paningin nya di man lang nya naisip na my kasalanan at pagkukulang din sya  .. i tried 2 explain but he never gave me a chance .. T.T that’s the last txt na natanggap ko coming from him, i felt so guilty sa nagyari coz i know may kasalanan din ako ..  about this guy na naging bf ko din .. nakipag break din ako sa kanya .. coz i don’t wanna hurt him coz i know maz mahal ko pa din c edward kesa sa love na nafefeel ko para sa knya.. sa huli maz pinili ko mag-isa kesa makasakit ako ng ibang tao .. the end

Kailan ko matitikman ang sarap ng pag-ibig mo?

Mga salitang nabasa ko mula sa mensaheng natanggap ko sa kanya. Alam ko kung sino ang mahal niya. Alam ko kung sino ang pinakamahalaga sa kanya. Okey lang naman na sabihin niya sa akin ang nararamdan niya para sa kanya. Pero kung pwede lang, wag niya akong isali. Ayokong sinasabihan ng ganyan. Natuto na ako eh.

Dati kasi may nagsabi rin niyan sa akin at anong napala ko? Wala! Nagmahal ako ngunit nasaktan. Nagbulagbulagan. Nagpakatanga. Naniwala sa mga salita niya. But that was before. I was over him. Kaya sana wag nang maulit-dahil baka di ko na kayanin. Mahirap mahulog sa isang kaibigan.

Time moved and passed, nakilala ko si Mr. Z. Isang lalaking nangangailangan ng mapaghihingan ng loob. And i was the one to be there. He confessed his secret with me. His secret? He’s in love with my friend. I was only an adviser. I never meant to get close. Pero nararamdaman ko na lang ang sarili kong na’aattach na sa kanya. Attachment is my worst problem, coz i know where it might lead.

“Pakipalo nga yang katabi mo para maramdaman niya kung gaano ko siya kamahal; at pakikurot mo nalang sarili mo para maramdaman mo kung gaano ka kaimportante sa akin!”

Yan ang natanggap kong text mula sa kanya(Mr. Z) isang gabing nakasama ko ang aking kaibigan. Ang kaibigan kong kanyang napupusuan. Nakakalungkot. Masakit coz you know why? My attachment grew. Di na madetach. Magbestfriend na kami noon. And he’s still in love with her kahit alam niyang di siya kailanman magugustuhan nito. Pareho lang kami.

One day, napagdesisyonan niyang kalimutan na siya. He did forget her. Pero may pumalit. Okey lang. I always thought that it’s still best to be his bez pero hindi eh. Wala akong karapatan. But I always felt his care. I always felt I was special.

Until one time, one night, nagkaroon kami ng di pagkakaintindihan. Tinext ko siya ng “i hate you”. He replied “i love you”. Mas lalo akong nagalit. I told him not to say those words to me na parang ordinaryong kataga lang yon. Espesyal sa akin ang mga katagang yaon. Well, nagka’ayos kami. NAgsorry siya. Nagsorry rin ako. Ganito kami parati. Nag’aaway-bati. Ano bang meron?

Then, napansin ko na lang na parang lumalayo na siya sa akin. Parang umiiwas na siya. Anong nangyayari sa bez ko? Napapansin na ba niyang nahuhulog na ako?

At isang araw nga nagulat na lang ako sa text na natanggap ko mula sa kanya. Gusto mo ba ako?

Nagulanatang ako. Di ko alam kung ano ang isasagot ko. Natakot ako. Alam na ba niya?

Crazie: Ha? Anong klaseng tanong yan. Xempre.

Mr. Z: Anong xempre?

Crazie: Ano bang nangyayari sa iyo bez?

Mr. Z: Wala! Di ko lang natapos ang text ko ah. Gusto mo ba ako na sumama sa iyo? Yan sana ang text ko.

Haianku! PAg-ibig! Alam ko yun na yun. Bat pa niya niligaw? Bat di niya na lang ako ideretso? Bat kailangan pa niya akong paiktutin at paasahin? Minsan na akong umibig, umasa at nasaktan. Ano ba? Ngayon pa ba naman?!Masakit mahulog ng walang sumasalo. Ang hirap umibig sa kaibigan ng patago. Lagi ka na lang aasa. Lagi na lang mangangarap. Kailan ba ako liligaya? Kailan ang pait sasarap?